A Monograph Upon the Subject of "Federal" "Agencies"

Yes, those are both in quotes. Because as every free-thinking person knows (who's still wearing their tin foil beanie), most of them aren't limited to the federal scope, and they have nothing to do with agency.

Remember what I was saying about how big brother is not going to save you, and you shouldn't expect anyone to hold your hand? The shadowy organizations on this list are the worst offenders. They'll claim up front to be wonderful, loving institutions full of helpful protectors. But dig around deep enough, and you'll find all kinds of things that don't add up. If they were only what they appeared to be at face value, they wouldn't have all the crazy powers, back-room dealings, and illogical funding sources. Some of them can't be explained at all, once you actually ask about their purpose.

Here's the run-down of my top five government fronts:

1. FEMA - "Federal Emergency Management Agency" - What have these guys done? Why are they granted almost limitless power in the event of any kind of emergency (and who defines what an emergency is, anyway?)

2. IRS - "Internal Revenue Service" - Who are these guys, and where in official legislation does it say we need them? Talk about men in black showing up at your door... and yet, I hear that the Federal Reserve has never been audited, ever.

3. NSA - "National Security Agency" - Between them, Homeland Security, SWAT teams, National Guard, Military, and the FBI/CIA/SS/who knows what else, I sure HOPE we're secure. Somehow I still get the heebie-jeebies.

4. ALPHA - "American Literacy Promotion and Heuristics Agency" What is this thing? Recently formed (end of 2009, I believe) as some kind of federalized child care initiative, this inexplicable piece of pork has yet to come up with any kind of plausible public mission statement.

5. TSA - "Transportation Security Administration" - Part of Homeland Security, this group got a big power boost in recent years. Now they're scanning our most intimate areas for bombs... or something. Keeping tabs on terrorists? Maybe they just want to keep tabs on ALL OF US, ALL OF THE TIME. It's like 1984! (The Orwell one, not the year that Return of the Jedi was shamefully abused at the Oscars.)